seleneey

Almost a year later…

I havent blogged in awhile and I don’t know why I really feel like blogging right now. So don’t mind the fact if this is all over the place. I just feel like getting things outta my head and down somewhere.

I honestly and truly cannot believe that it’s almost been a year since my brother passed away. I look back at how much things have changed, how much I have changed. Xavier passed away in July, I left back to school in August, found out that one of my bestfriends was pregnant, Dad had a heart attack in March almost dies, then mom gets sick and then my other bestfriend has surgery. Craziness all in one year.

Going back to school had to be one of the hardest things that I have ever had to go through. I had people tell me “oh how could you leave your family after this time? you shouldn’t go. that isn’t good for you or for your family.” but honestly I think it had to be one of the best choices that I made. It was not easy at all. I had to work my ass off in school and even then I didn’t do that well in school. I was coming home basically every month for a weekend at a time. I had to deal with the fact that my brother took his own life on my own away from my family. I learned that if I can deal with my brother passing away on my own then I can deal with anything that I’m gonna go through in my life and I already have gone through a lot. But in the end i’m so glad that I went back to school, that i decided to go back to school. I think i would have regretted the choice not to go back. I would have gotten down, in the slums and stuck in the Bay. Not that I don’t love Bay but honestly I need something a lot more than what the Bay can offer me.

The past three, maybe four weeks have confirmed that I want and NEED a lot more than what the bay can offer me. I want to do big things with my life, I want to graduate from University of Hawaii with my bachelors then go back east for culinary school. There was a time right after Xavier passed away that I did get in the slums, I started burning a lot….like waaay too much. to the point where I learn how to roll my own blunts, started going to class high, spent waaay too much money on weed. I watched my grades go from almost all A’s and B’s to low B’s and C’s and maybe smoking weed was my way of coping. But now that I’ve been home I haven’t been burning as often and i’m really happy that I havent been burning. I realized that I want to go back to hawaii, for awhile I thought that I wanted to move I though that being home was the place that I NEEDED to be. But it isn’t where I need to be. I can’t see myself being here all the time. I was talking to my dad and he asked me “where do you see yourself in ten years?” i looked at him and grinned without saying anything and said “I dont know.” he said “i know you have an idea…wanna know where I see you? I see you living in some city, having a high raise loft or condo, working in some restaurant as an executive chef…that’s where I see you.” My dad took the words right out of my mouth. That’s where I see myself. That’s what I want to do with my life.

I really can’t wait to get back to Hawaii. To get back on my school grind. To really start school, over. I don’t know where this mindset has come from, but it’s been recently and I can’t wait to go back to school with this new mindset. I want to do bigger and better things than be in the Bay Area. I want to make my parents so proud, I want to my brother the proudest that he has ever been about me. I want to show everyone that thought I was dumb for leaving that I made it and that I can do it and will do it. I really can’t wait to go back to school and do what I have to do to get to the places that I need to be in my life. Watch out school a brand new Selene is coming back and is ready to take care of business!

There’s mine. It only takes a couple seconds. Join me in doing it. It’s national suicide prevention week. I’m doing it for my brother. Do it for him, do it for someone you know, do it just because there is someone in the world that is hurting. Do it for me.

kailani7:

Since it is National Suicide Prevention Week in coalition with “To Write Love On Her Arms” as the Movement, I did the “Love on your wrist as a form of recognition” for my bestfriend who passed away in August.
-K

I did mine. But I did it big on my arm. Missing him all the time.

Reblogged from Outside Noise.

marvelousnikki:

pokingsmot:

neonlies:

beneathmybones:

imnothuman: asongforbrit: (via hrtbps)

Reblogged from MIDNIGHT JAZZ.

At age 8, your dad buys you an ice cream. You thanked him by dripping it all over his lap. When you were 9 years old, he paid for piano lessons. You thanked him by never even bothering to practice. When you were 10 years old he drove you all day, from soccer to football to one birthday party after another. You thanked him by jumping out of the car and never looking back. When you were 11 years old, he took you and your friends to the movies. You thanked him by asking to sit in a different row. When you were 12 years old, he warned you not to watch certain TV shows. You thanked him by waiting until he left the house. When you were 13, he suggested a haircut that was in fashion. You thanked him by telling him he had no taste. When you were 14, he paid for a month away at summer camp. You thanked him by forgetting to write a single letter. When you were 15, he came home from work, looking for a hug. You thanked him by having your bedroom door locked. When you were 16, he taught you how to drive his car. You thanked him by taking it every chance you could. When you were 17, he was expecting an important call. You thanked him by being on the phone all night. When you were 18, he cried at your high school graduation. You thanked him by staying out partying until dawn. When you were 19, he paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus carried your bags. You thanked him by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn’t be embarrassed in front of your friends. When you were 25, he helped to pay for your wedding, and he told you how deep he loved you. You thanked him by moving halfway across the country. When you were 50, he fell ill and needed you to take care of him . You thanked him by reading about the burden parents become to their children. And then, one day, he quietly died. And everything you never did came crashing down like thunder on YOUR HEART. If you love your dad, reblog

emangarcia:

damn. def goes for mothers too.

(via adaisyintherain)

I like it. The video was not what I thought it was gonna be at all but the way it is now is so much better. I loooove her voice & she’s so pretty! I wish she came here on her tour! I would have gone in a heartbeat!

simplymurr:

nerysssajanelle:

yourguitarhero:

quijanovalgerard:

em2addict:

rombeast:

donlikessoup:

—nelssy:

the place this person was murdered.. is like… super close to where I live.

Pass by, you’ll see people at the corner who are waiting for justice. Candles are lit, pictures are up, posters/letters from family and friends never went away.

I’m surprised nobody vandalized the paper thingy on the wall yet. It’s been three days. It’s just sad, another killing in Hayward. ANOTHER murder. ANOTHER life taken.

Oh, Hayward. The beautiful Hayward.

i live right down the street from where he died. RIP.

The place where he was shot IS where i live. Ill played bball with him in industrial park during the summer. The fact that he’s gone is hitting me slowly. Fucking south hayward. He was just at the wrong place, at the wrong time smh…

IMISSHIM.

RIP Sam<3

First Will now Sammy. Not good. I never thought that two boys I knew would be killed at such a young age. Let alone be killed at all. That’s two too many to be gone. I send my condolence & prayers too his close friends & family.

Reblogged from Femme Fatale