I havent blogged in awhile and I don’t know why I really feel like blogging right now. So don’t mind the fact if this is all over the place. I just feel like getting things outta my head and down somewhere.
I honestly and truly cannot believe that it’s almost been a year since my brother passed away. I look back at how much things have changed, how much I have changed. Xavier passed away in July, I left back to school in August, found out that one of my bestfriends was pregnant, Dad had a heart attack in March almost dies, then mom gets sick and then my other bestfriend has surgery. Craziness all in one year.
Going back to school had to be one of the hardest things that I have ever had to go through. I had people tell me “oh how could you leave your family after this time? you shouldn’t go. that isn’t good for you or for your family.” but honestly I think it had to be one of the best choices that I made. It was not easy at all. I had to work my ass off in school and even then I didn’t do that well in school. I was coming home basically every month for a weekend at a time. I had to deal with the fact that my brother took his own life on my own away from my family. I learned that if I can deal with my brother passing away on my own then I can deal with anything that I’m gonna go through in my life and I already have gone through a lot. But in the end i’m so glad that I went back to school, that i decided to go back to school. I think i would have regretted the choice not to go back. I would have gotten down, in the slums and stuck in the Bay. Not that I don’t love Bay but honestly I need something a lot more than what the Bay can offer me.
The past three, maybe four weeks have confirmed that I want and NEED a lot more than what the bay can offer me. I want to do big things with my life, I want to graduate from University of Hawaii with my bachelors then go back east for culinary school. There was a time right after Xavier passed away that I did get in the slums, I started burning a lot….like waaay too much. to the point where I learn how to roll my own blunts, started going to class high, spent waaay too much money on weed. I watched my grades go from almost all A’s and B’s to low B’s and C’s and maybe smoking weed was my way of coping. But now that I’ve been home I haven’t been burning as often and i’m really happy that I havent been burning. I realized that I want to go back to hawaii, for awhile I thought that I wanted to move I though that being home was the place that I NEEDED to be. But it isn’t where I need to be. I can’t see myself being here all the time. I was talking to my dad and he asked me “where do you see yourself in ten years?” i looked at him and grinned without saying anything and said “I dont know.” he said “i know you have an idea…wanna know where I see you? I see you living in some city, having a high raise loft or condo, working in some restaurant as an executive chef…that’s where I see you.” My dad took the words right out of my mouth. That’s where I see myself. That’s what I want to do with my life.
I really can’t wait to get back to Hawaii. To get back on my school grind. To really start school, over. I don’t know where this mindset has come from, but it’s been recently and I can’t wait to go back to school with this new mindset. I want to do bigger and better things than be in the Bay Area. I want to make my parents so proud, I want to my brother the proudest that he has ever been about me. I want to show everyone that thought I was dumb for leaving that I made it and that I can do it and will do it. I really can’t wait to go back to school and do what I have to do to get to the places that I need to be in my life. Watch out school a brand new Selene is coming back and is ready to take care of business!